What I am facing is a test of priorities.

Having landed a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity of performing poetry (!!!) at Sharon Bakar's Poetry Reading (again, !!!) was an amazing, amazing thing.

But.

(that darned word which brings a world of meaning (and at times, resentment))

The parents had decided (all of a sudden) to spend this weekend, yes, the same weekend as the poetry reading, in PD.

Now.

I am grateful for everything God has given me.
I know that a lot of people out there, do not have the opportunity to even consistently have food on the table, let alone splurge on a holiday.

But.

This is probably my (only) opportunity to perform, not just to any crowd, but in front of people who actually appreciates poetry and literature. People who actually get it. And to put the cherry on the icing, people who could make a difference, if you prove that you're good enough.

Although, on the flipside, following them to PD and cancelling on the poetry reading may be the one chance to prove that I am not selfish, contrary to popular belief.

(Not that not following them is really a choice anyway.)

We all know that choosing the dangerous path of ditching one's parents/family has its own grave repercussions.

So I am now, trying my very best, not to blow my brains all over the floor with the fact that I have just turned down the one opportunity, the one i've been waiting for since I can remember, by comforting myself with the fact that I am doing the right thing.

Family comes first, after all.

Right?

These next few days (probably weeks too) is gonna be rocky, I believe.

Emotional rollercoaster ride.

This semester have certainly ended really unexpectedly. Or will end, for that matter.
I can foresee it already, hell, I think it has already started.

Each semester there's drama, this semester however,
It was a silent killer, creeping up behind us and overpowering us all.

A black smoke. When everything was cleared,
We see different people around us, unexpectedly.

Inevitable? Perhaps, but I know I tried my best.
I cannot force the horse to drink the water if it doesn't want to now can I?
I can drag it there, force feed it but  if it doesn't want to swallow,
I can only stand there and be bitter about it, which is really only going to cause unnecessary pain to me.

I've tried, and since that's all there is left to do.
I leave it all up to you now.

---

Life is unpredictable. Which amuses me in so many ways.
How it all turns out, works out, or don't.
But the balance, the 'coincidences', all planned by God.
Which to me, amuses me even more, and reaffirms my belief that
God is Great.

malaikat. malaikat. malaikat.

itulah persepsi semua orang terhadap engkau.
aku kan, bukan jenis orang yang simpan grudges.
aku susah nak benci orang. benci tu is such a strong word.
tapi. aku bengang. kau tak habis habis ungkit perkara lama.
dimana kau yang tak dapat tahan kritikan yang constructive, yang diberi
dalam cara yang sangat civil, tapi kau masih tidak dapat menerimanya.
ok. your choice. tapi, tolong jangan nak blame kami untuk keadaan kau sekarang.
you did it to yourself.

aku bukan nak bangkitkan perkara lama.
cuma aku musykil, dan aku agak irritated.
terhadap diri kau sekarang. depan aku kau baik. aku tak tegur kau pun, tapi bila kau tegur aku
aku takdela ignore. aku layan. sebab kita ni saudara islam, aku takde la nak putuskan terus kan.
plus aku takde la bitchy sangat sampai nak ignore dan buat muka terhadap kau.
tapi tolonglah. jangan depan aku kau baik dan nak buat conversation
tapi di alam maya kau sedap hangat blame aku, dan rakan-rakanku, for your current predicament.
please.

kau, should learn to be able to take criticisms. its a fact of life, because we are not perfect beings.
plus, if you can't stand the heat, get the hell out of the kitchen.
kalau kau tahu buat, tahulah juga menerima consequencesnya.

faham?

dah. ini mungkin kali terakhir aku sebut tentang kau. aku penat.
aku penat jadi baik terhadap manusia, dan in return aku diperlihatkan sebagai orang jahat.
aku tak tahu kenapa I give a two cents. I dont know why I bother.

alangkah senangnya jikalau aku jenis orang yang boleh indifferent. dan terus menerus buat tak tahu
tentang orang di sekelilingku. mungkin aku akan lebih aman begitu.

sigh.

aku harap kau sedar. itu sahaja.